Quite by accident I've discovered that baby can be calmed — even from the most beet-red hysterics*— by singing arena rock at top volume in the deepest possible voice.
Case study: Subject - Male, age - 2.5 months. Upon diaper removal, subject became irritated, then annoyed, then angry, then enraged. P/O quotient rose steadily at a rate of about 6.5 grumps per second.
Immediately began singing the first song that came to mind, "Ridin' the storm out" by REO Speedwagon. Slight positive change in demeanor. For no good reason, began singing same in the voice of Lee Marvin. Almost instantly subject stopped crying. Normalcy attained.
Control: In later instances of elevated grumpus, performances of Sade's "Smooth Operator", "Ironfist" by Motorhead, and Rhihanna's "Umbrella" were attempted, in different keys and tonal ranges. These had seemingly no effect on subject.
Low-register singing of the following songs rendered calmness and extended cool-out effects:
"Amanda" - Boston
"Sister Christian" - Night Ranger
"Wheel in the Sky" - Journey
"Crystal Ball" -Styx
Conclusion/Hypothesis: Singing awesome rock in a low voice soothes pissed-off babies.
* This study is in no way scientifically significant. Technique failed in later instances of hysteria, rendering results of study utterly useless.
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