PAPA'S LOG_2.3.10: Experiments in the effect of tonal changes on infant behavior... or Paint Your Speedwagon

Quite by accident I've discovered that baby can be calmed — even from the most beet-red hysterics*— by singing arena rock at top volume in the deepest possible voice.

Case study: Subject - Male, age - 2.5 months. Upon diaper removal, subject became irritated, then annoyed, then angry, then enraged. P/O quotient rose steadily at a rate of about 6.5 grumps per second.

Immediately began singing the first song that came to mind, "Ridin' the storm out" by REO Speedwagon. Slight positive change in demeanor. For no good reason, began singing same in the voice of Lee Marvin. Almost instantly subject stopped crying. Normalcy attained.

Control: In later instances of elevated grumpus, performances of Sade's "Smooth Operator", "Ironfist" by Motorhead, and Rhihanna's "Umbrella" were attempted, in different keys and tonal ranges. These had seemingly no effect on subject.

Low-register singing of the following songs rendered calmness and extended cool-out effects:

"Amanda" - Boston
"Sister Christian" - Night Ranger
"Wheel in the Sky" - Journey
"Crystal Ball" -Styx

Conclusion/Hypothesis: Singing awesome rock in a low voice soothes pissed-off babies.

* This study is in no way scientifically significant. Technique failed in later instances of hysteria, rendering results of study utterly useless.

The Cold Winds of Cleveland: A Poetry by HUGHES

'Twas Thursday in Cleveland, home of the Browns

and it was late in the season, with them Stillers in town.

And the Brownies hadn't beaten them in over six years!

but they lined up on the frosty turf and faced down their fears.

Defending World Champions! hunting for ring number 7

The Browns had no chance - come on, 1 and 11?

But out o'er the lake, strange forces swirled

and conspired to create an crazy upside-down world

A wild wind arose, and it whipped 'round the city

some sort of black magic, for the Steelers played shitty!

A curse rode the wind, as it blew through the stands

taunting the players and freezing the fans

Then missed catches and fumbles and gaff upon gaff!

and what's this? the Steelers were shut out at the half!

The injuries! The wind! The freezing-ass cold!

too many factors against us, or so we were told

But when your all- pro receivers can't hang on to a ball, you

can't blame the bad knee of Troy Polamalu

The defense showed up, but they didn't stay long

when Cribbs gets the ball, miss a block and he's gone

And Ben, sweet Benny, where were you that night?

No pump-fakin', no tackle breakin' no down-field delight!

But Ben can't throw against defenses, be they nickels or dimes

when they come 'round the corner and sack him, what, like 23 times?

Alas, the Steelers were struck down, in that town by the lake

Not beaten by the Browns, more their awful mistakes

And so the hopes of a season dissipate like a smoke

or the steam from the helmet of nose-tackle Chris Hoke

While in Pittsburgh the streets were as silent as the grave

and the last terrible towel slowly ceased to wave

But the Burgh will recover, with time and with beer

and you'd better believe we'll be right here next year

On couches and tailgates, with our beers, brats, and buns

as those 32 teams make that Superbowl run

Each year some make it happen, whilst others will not

We're the Stillers of Sixburgh - how many yinz got?

Let's pass the hat and buy Detroit!

I had this great idea: Everybody I know pitches in and buys a huge tract of Detroit's abandoned neighborhoods, and together we build a utopic paradise! We'll raze all of the dilapidated buildings to the ground and create an economy based on recycling scrap building materials and Chryslers, which I assume are just laying around up there. We'll develop a clean energy system based on harnessing the motion of the lake's currents, grow food year-round in massive greenhouses converted from empty manufacturing buildings, and push Michigan legislature to decriminalize marijuana in city limits, creating a vast new tourism industry: New Detroit, the Amsterdam of the Midwest! Since nearly all corporate chain stores have pretty much cut their losses and bolted, we'll start our own trade system, mostly bartering, and with the incoming dollars from the pot district, we will build a community trust, whereby everyone who needs help, or food or a job can get it. It will be the American spirit at its finest! Triumph of hope over despair! It will become the model for the new Post-Industrial American City, and many others will follow (I'm looking at you, Gary, IN) We will do this because it needs to be done, with thousands of Nouveau Uncle Sams and Rosie the Riveters pitching in with the common goal of making the world a better place for generations to come! Flags will fly and a chorus of "America the Beautiful" will ring out to the far reaches of the nation, swelling chests with civic pride, and the confidence that America will not just survive the toughest times, she will thrive on their adversity and overcome!

Or maybe not. I dunno.

The Facebook ruined my self esteem: A Poetry by HUGHES

The Facebook says I got no friends

but yesterday I had lots and lots, I cried!

No status, no chat, no surveys, no nothin'!

though I tried and tried and quit, then tried.

Feels just like an episode in junior high

Lonesome, rejected, dejected, frustrated.

The socially adept simply pass me by

but back then I would have gone and... read a magazine.

The Facebook says I'm not online!

Though clearly that just isn't true

Unless Yahoo mail is a trick of my mind

and I've only imagined skiing squirrel videos on YouTube

Come on, Mr. Book, I need to be cool!

and post my feelings, photos and quips

I need to tell everyone my score on Farmville

and proudly imagine they give two shits.

O Facebook take me back unto your bosom

My 563 closest friends I long to see,

I can tell 'em all the stuff that I like, then quiz 'em!

And thus they'll prove their love for me.

Whatever was my grave offense

hear my plea, i beg don't stand idly by

Reinstate me, I'll make my recompence!

Brian Hughes likes this. But he isn't sure why.

What goes around comes around, or The Liberal Media v. The King of Dickheads

There are few things more delicious than watching the conservative bullshit machine eat itself. Though they spew the same hateful poison they always have, and still garner huge audiences of like-minded a-holes, the Rush Limbaughs and Glenn Becks of the world have begun to fall gracelessly out of favor with the population at large. Neither of the Neo-con superstars can keep an A-list sponsor for long these days. Limbaugh can’t even buy a pro sports team without a humiliating public rejection. Come on, people! Show some respect for the King of Dickheads! I mean Death Panels for Grandma? The Obama citizenship “Debate?” This is good stuff! Where’s the support? Where’s the love? Well, it’s gone, for the most part, fellas, I hope you enjoyed it while you were knee-deep.

On air, the K.O.D. and friends will blame everyone from Bill Clinton to the Jews that run Hollywood for their demise. But we all know who’s to blame… The queers in the Liberal Media!

Which, in my opinion, is partially true. More accurately, I might call them the “Spineless Weiner Media.” You see, even though the possibility exists that the press in general may be capable of an all-campus political spin one way or the other, it is much more believable that they are motivated by a greater, more dangerous force than some underlying political orientation. Fear. The media, specifically TV and Newspapers, in the last few decades have been terrified to be perceived as aligned with the losing side of an issue. The upshot of this is that every issue raised by radicals on either side of the political spectrum has come to be handled as if it were valid, lest the journalists, media outlet, and mega-corporation that owns all of their asses be construed as biased. How else do you explain a decorated Vietnam War Veteran being badly beaten in a presidential election by a coke-snorting, draft-dodging, business-wrecking booze-hound incompetent? It’s because of the swift-boaters. Because Kerry loves the French. Because Theresa Heinz is a Nazi dominatrix. These nut-ball ideas are simply repeated and amplified through our media because no single journalist in the main stream will cut them down. And really it would take very little digging in most cases.

The most recent evidence of the existence of the news-pussy system is the weakening of the hard-core right’s grasp on talk radio and cable “news.” The conservative loudmouths who bullied the Liberals for the last 8 years are getting hushed like the drunken cousin toasting the wedding party. That’s because the teams have changed and the Dems are at bat. Even though the Whitehouse and Congress possess the majority, and enough political clout to do pretty much what Bush and his pals did at the beginning of the decade, and ram their crazy partisan legislation through, one pork-laden bill after another, they have been largely given a pass, though they’ve been grossly ineffectual thus far. At the same time Rush and Glenn are getting the business and can’t cash a check. Most likely, it’s because now is bad to be a conservative.

Don’t get me wrong - I love it for the moment, simply because turnabout is fair play. But that certainly doesn’t make it right. Ever since the news has become a profit machine for TV networks and papers, the lust for more viewers, more readers, and more SPONSORS has eclipsed the passion for truth and honest reporting. There are still some bastions of journalistic integrity out there, but friends, they are few and far between. And too few of us left that want to know the Truth, even if we won’t like it. The fact of the matter is that every reporter, every anchor, is accountable to somebody. The difference is, that somebody used to be you and me.